And as days go by and years pass it’s getting harder and harder to find.

I want to be a better version of myself. To be the person who I’m supposed to be. The ultimate me. And sometimes I think the only way to accomplish this is if I somehow shut the world out. Like I want to cocoon myself in order to accomplish my goals. No job, no friends, no family, or anything to misguide me. Not really push people away like in a negative way, but more like finding my own peace of mind and training myself to become better in all aspects of my life without distractions.

only to find myself encased in an iron tomb; making dents in all the walls.

Then I wouldn’t have to be ashamed of what I have become. A tired and cold individual who is nervously clawing at the cliffs trying to get a grip. To feel crumbling stone at my finger tips. Not caring about kicking up the harsh dust that seeps into my lungs that are past my lips. Cause this his how it is, this is it.

I’m always shaking on the inside!

Saying these words like breathing air through crushed lungs
Again with words, left on the ledge
Tilting toward something that I cannot speak
Something sharp that must be kept under my tongue

Bring back that priceless time I spend, I loan
To you from me, from us
These things, these places, these situations
Even the starry night skies you claimed are not your own

And the ocean waves wash over your feet
The soothing smell of salt water floating into your nostrils
Stinging cold over the warm sand that you stand
Knowing I may set this location for us to meet

She responded to slow silence with dreadfully quick questions
I sit here in the dark haunted by obvious answers
Like ghostly white phantoms drifting around the vacant room
I am surrounded by the worst of thoughts and suggestions

Reflections of my broken past has forced its way into my future like a chisel into stone
My choices, crucial, my power, limited
Leaving only stalls not solves the problem
Slowly drifting away, reminded that sailing in the dark is not safe alone

Freezing ad-mist cold murky waters were world wonders
Glaciers can’t sink my fragile insides anymore
They are able sink vessels that recklessly carry weak men
Turning to the wind, I unload my mind, only to feel the real terror that thunders

Soon enough I will learn secrets forgotten by an old world
Soon enough I will feel no pain but warmth and tranquility
She’s numb as I am gone, no need to weep for the dime a dozen
Moments turn to days as my twisted memories violently swirled

Breathing seems to steal my consciousness away from me
If I could just stand I know I would win their hearts
Delusions that my mind solely comprehends, like trying to speak in backwards languages
Holding my breath to stay alive each day to not crumble under the pressure that is my own thoughts

One day pillars of hope will stand like mountains on the horizon
Then and there I wish you could see how your influence has grown
Alas you will never see anything again because you sleep a deep sleep of the eternal kind
The kind of sleep we are all destined for
 
Seven simple seconds was all I need to utter those words
Phrases that would make everything better or spiral down into confusion and depression
Lead on by her insecurities is the best way to describe it
Not really good enough to be real flesh and blood, on paper this will stay

This is all wrong, greater than 3 but less than zero?
Our faith in our numbers and futures were all wrong
Sixes and sevens mixed up with crazy eights nines and tens
Two can’t equal one, at least not this two

Trying to defy gravity as my limbs drag across the harsh pavement
Nothing compared to the inside, Joy and Pain
I will get it out even if I have to sing it sweetly
Surely mocked like jagged stone walls

I’ve really ruined myself this time. This ruin could be a sign of change that needs to occur to become stronger, after all a phoenix does rise from the ashes of its own death. These single words hit me with such heavy weight, I can barely plan my next move, but what weighs the most is silence like a sequoia that has fallen on my chest. All I can do is carry this weight while looking for a way out of this dark cave I’ve wandered into, I’m confident I’ll find an opening, I always have before. They won’t stop me, they won’t drag me down, nothing will.

forever describes something that us human beings can never have. For everything you know, everything we have built shall crumble in our hands one day. And even the stars and suns themselves are destined to burn out and fade away within time. I just pray I’m not around to see that dark day. But I don’t think life should be about how quickly you go but how bright you burn during our time here on earth. You may think you are the dimmest flame but to others you seem like the brightest light that keeps them from letting go, that keeps their hope strong. So maybe there is something that can last forever once this all becomes nothingness….Hope

Hope that someday everything will be just like it was